How to Start the New Year Right without Resolutions

I have two questions for you.  First, have you made any New Year’s resolutions? Second, are you like me and have already broken them?

When looking at our marriages, instead of setting resolutions and goals, which are easily broken, what about introducing a new concept?  What if we set standards for our relationships? This allows us to have a beginning point and then follow through to make actions a habitual part of our relationships. Let’s set a standard to make 2010 a “relational year.” Let’s simplify life and focus on the “important things” in our marriages and families.

Below are aspects you might consider in order to create a tangible framework for your marriage standards in 2010:

1. Focus on YOU: Consider yourself and the changes you need to make in your own life.
   1. What bad, annoying habits do you have that bother your spouse? Are you willing to work on changing those habits? (Pick one and start; it takes 21 days to change a habit.)
   2. What personal activities take you away from time spent with your spouse or children? Men, are there too many sports events? Ladies, is there too much shopping or too much time spent with your girlfriends?
   3. What ways can you change in order to grow emotionally and spiritually? Do you need to strengthen your relationship with God? Do you need a life coach, counselor, or pastor to help you work through unresolved issues in your life?

KEY: Invest thought, time, and energy in YOU in 2010 that will strengthen your marriage by making yourself a better person spiritually, emotionally, and physically.

1. II. Focus on YOUR SPOUSE: Evaluate 2009 and the ways you could improve connecting, supporting, and nurturing your mate.
   1. What gifts and abilities does your spouse have that delight you and bring life to your relationship? (These are probably the qualities you were attracted to when you met your spouse and now annoy you at times.) How often do you give compliments expressing how much you appreciate those qualities in your mate? Celebrate your differences.
   2. What are ways you can express more often, more clearly your love for your spouse through affection and words? How often do you hug, kiss, or speak loving, kind words to each other? How often do you show acts of kindness to each other by notes, letters, flowers, etc.?
   3. What ways do you love and respect your spouse? Women, do you show your husband respect; men, do you show love to your wives unconditionally?

KEY: With diligence, work on building your spouse’s esteem and encouraging him/her to grow to the fullest potential God created for him/her.

1. Focus on YOUR CHILDREN and others: The greatest gift you will ever give your children is a picture of a strong marriage.
   1. What ways do you model a healthy marriage to your children? Do you go out regularly on dates demonstrating to the kids that mom and dad must invest time and energy into their marriage in order for it to be healthy? (If you’re divorced, do you give training to your children about what healthy marriage looks like, providing them a blueprint for their future?)
   2. What are your standards as a couple for parenting your children? Is there agreement in your parenting process? Do your children see and understand that the two of you stand unified as parents?
   3. What ways do you model conflict resolution? Do your children watch you follow a conflict through until there is resolution? Are you teaching them how to resolve their conflicts in life or solving them for your kids?
   4. What intentional ways do you communicate as a family? Do you have specific times set aside for communication with each other and also with the kids, such as family nights and family events?

KEY: Teach your children how to view a healthy relationship by showing them a marriage that is committed to each other and one that demonstrates diligence in creating practical ways to love each other, communicate, and resolve issues.

In answering the questions above, you create a framework you want to adopt as a family. I encourage you to set aside a time to review your answers and begin to formulate a list of your family’s “standards to live by.” As you begin to list the standards, implement them one by one. Set periodic meetings to track your progress and watch these standards become daily habits for your marriage. Have a great and healthy 2010!

Written by Luke Nelson and Marty Long