When we were first married, my husband asked me for a favor. The actual favor escapes me, but I distinctly recall replying, “Well, if I do this, what will you do for me?” His response? “I don’t think that’s how it’s supposed to work. We shouldn’t do things for each other with the motive of getting something in return. More time will be spent keeping score and less time working to build our marriage.” I married a very wise man. Just think, how would I feel if I knew every act of kindness he gave me just meant he wanted something in return?
In the marketplace, we have countless choices for entertainment or items to purchase. We are encouraged to try the latest and greatest product….especially if we are not happy with what we have now. Unfortunately, this mentality has taken over our marital commitment. In their vows, couples make a lifetime commitment, for better or worse, richer or poorer, however, as author William Doherty notes, in a consumer marriage, it is easy to keep score, or play the comparison game… “I’d be happier if I was married to him, or their marriages seems so much better than ours.” In reality, every marriage goes through conflicts, and every couple has times where they feel they are putting more into the marriage than they are getting out of it. Marriage researcher Andrew Cherlin notes that lack of fulfillment is seen as justification to seek something, someone better (something must be wrong with my spouse) and end the marriage. The following tips will help couples break away from the consumer mindset and start investing in their marriage.
#1 Use We and Us vs. I and Me. In a recent study by University California Berkeley, researchers found that couples who use us and we instead of I and me during communication behaved more positively toward each other, showed less stress, were better able to resolve conflict and even had a lower heart rate and lower blood pressure! Diane Sollee, director of Smart Marriages.com, recognizes that giving up I is a sacrifice couples may be scared to make. They are scared to lose their individual voice and personality. She reassures readers that thinking as a team actually enhances a person’s attributes as they work together to invest in their marriage.
#2 Think of marriage as a covenant, not a contract: A contract is 50/50, I give something with the intent of getting something in return. Think of marriage as a covenant, giving without expecting anything in return. Marriage experts Michele Weiner Davis and Pat Love both encourage couples to invest in your marriage by prioritizing your spouse and looking for ways to treat them better even if you don’t feel like it and even if you don’t think your spouse is meeting your needs. We have the opportunity to know our spouses better than anyone else. Take time to learn their likes, dislikes, ways they feel loved, and look for opportunities to show them love throughout the day. Read Luke Nelson’s article on creating a marriage vision and visit the marriage section on our blog for more ideas.
It is rather reassuring to know that my gut desire for just compensation was not unique. That I’m not the only one who has looked at their husband and thought “yeah, well what’s in it for me!” Instead of feeling bad about it, I use that story as a reminder of what marriage is all about. Is it about keeping score, a 50/50 agreement similar to a business contract, or is it a covenant, a vow of self sacrifice and commitment meant to carry us through the difficult times and one to last a lifetime?
